Hello everybody! I was on the World Wide Web today, wasting my time as usual when I came across a site called Twilightsucks or something which is basically self-explanatory. ( and yes I’m talking about the book series and not a site where people come together to diss that time of the day where it is between sunset and dusk) So there was a section of the forum where people discuss personal experiences where they encounter all types of assaults from hardcore Twilight fans stemming from instances where the victims have stated their dislike of Twilight or maybe just saying it is an average book. To date, there has been punches, choking, ATTEMPTED DROWNING, bricks thrown and ATTEMPTED THROAT-SLITTING all in the name of a book series.

Here is a short example:

Another example is:

As to whether the recounts are authentic or not I could not say, the site is called TwilightsSucks after all. However, it still does not change the fact that there ARE rabid fans out there and why would anyone lie about getting sucker punched by a baseball bat in an online forum anyway? The question is, why? Why does a book with writing and plot seemingly conceived by a 12 year old pubescent teen girl receive so much attention? We all know they hype. It is ridiculous and not well-deserved.

Yes, I have read the series so I can first-handedly say it is a terrible book that gave birth to an even nastier movie. The only redeeming point of the book is of course Edward Cullen who has forever set the bar impossibly high for men. But even they managed to fuck that up by casting ugly fart boy Robert Pattinson as the leading man. Although I can’t blame the casting crew much. Anyone exceedingly good-looking would be far too good to mingle with the likes of movies such as Twilight ie. George Clooney, Brad Pitt etc. (yes I know they’re too old blah blah shut up, I don’t crush YOUR dreams)

What a dream boat...

For those who haven’t read Twilight, the whole book is basically a 400 page long description of Edward’s physical appearance. Okay, I’m sorry. That’s an exaggeration. It’s actually a 300 page long description of his appearance and the rest of the 100 pages are dedicated to how they affect Bella. Two or three pages may have been dedicated to actual plot, I can’t remember. Yes, he is good-looking, we get it, please move on.

Here’s a guide on how to write a Twilight book:

1)      Describe the beauty and perfection of Edward Cullen. Be sure to use words such as “amazing”, “breath-taking”, “gorgeous”, “mesmerizing” and “hair-gel commercial”

2)      Follow up with the cardiological condition of Bella upon viewing his Adonis-like appearance. Be sure to use phrases such as “heart-stopped”, “my heart thumped loudly against my chest,” “heart melted” and “I swear he can hear the sound of my heart”.

3)      Insert random plot in case readers suddenly realize they’re reading the same thing reworded differently each time.

4)      Rinse and repeat.

5)      Go to bank

Imagine if J.K Rowling went to the same literary school Stephenie Meyers went to.

“Harry Potter stood across the Great Hall but his lightning scar shone ever so brightly across the throngs of student who stared gape-eyed at him. His dark, messy hair hung limp across his brow like an emo. A beautiful emo. His round-rimmed glasses rested delicately on his perfectly arched nose that was foreshadowed by dazzling green eyes. Voldemort had to avert his gaze for moment because Harry’s passionate stare was beginning to cause sudden heart palpitations within him. “How could I kill such a perfect being?” sighed You-Know-Who. The beauty and perfection of Harry caused a sudden stab of envy as the flaws of Voldemort stood out even more. His lidless red eyes, gaping nostrils, grey corpse skin and sweaty pits…He would never love me.”

That is why, ladies and gentleman, I don’t write for a living. Imagine Voldemort yearning for Harry Potter’s “wand”. LOL! Or don’t.

Anyway, congratulations Stephenie Meyers for single-handedly turning one of the most badass and frightening mythical creatures of all time into a gentle, fun-loving, sparkling wuss.

Nesferatu. Ugly ass vampire that won’t hesitate to drain the blood of naughty children.

Vampires drink blood, burst into flames when exposed to sunlight and can be killed by a good ol’ stake through the heart. Not Edward Cullen though. He sparkles in the sun and plays baseball.

THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA! *sparkles*

Not only that, the sparkles make sparkling sounds, can you believe it? No wonder Bella had a hard time being scared of Edward Cullen. It’s hard to be terrified amongst all that glittery goodness and tinkling melodies emitting from them.

Name: Edward Cullen

Age: 17 years old give or take a hundred years

Occupation : Vampire/ part-time disco ball

Anyway enough on my rant! Gahh I’m supposed to be doing some studying but you know how I let procrastination have its dirty ways with me. Gotta go now.

PS: If I don’t update for a long time, some Twilight crazy girl might have killed me with a brick to the head. Either than that or I’m just a lazy bitch.

PPS: Oh yes and Narms, I did not just borrow Twilight for the sake of it. I needed to do some “research”.

PPPS: I’m sorry, Brit if you ever do read this.

I know that it’s been a while since Michael Jackson’s death now and it must be weird to only mention his death now if I truly am a fan of Michael Jackson. You see the thing is, I was unwilling to accept his death. I was shocked, sure, but the first few days were a daze to me. Preoccupied with the prospect of finally finishing first semester exams I was determined to not let anything get in the way of my celebration. And so I viewed his death in a slightly detached kind of way. I’m sure everyone who is a fan of Michael Jackson can relate to me when I say that for a while I thought that he was just going to come back to life and go “Surprise!”. But then it hit me a few days after that he really was gone along with any prospect of me seeing him live in a concert.

No, this is not my first celebrity death. But it is the first that actually directly affects me. I remember watching his music videos since I was little and gawking at his dance moves. Back in the peak of his career he was this sexy and good-looking star and everyone was going crazy for him. No, seriously. He did look good at one point. After that he just took the whole plastic surgery thing too far and he started looking alien-ish. I’ve always admired Michael Jackson. His music video has always captivated me as a young kid because unlike any other music videos, his ones are original, entertaining and you can count on it to always be a visual feast. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed when he started going too far with his plastic surgery. There’s no denying that he started looking really freaky. See, back when I was a kid I didn’t have access to the Internet. I was too busy watching cartoons. I didn’t know that Michael Jackson was once black. So when I found out he was black from my dad, I was shocked. I thought Michael Jackson so badly wanted to be white that he bleached his skin which was a bit pathetic. I don’t know why his skin is so white. Haters say that he bleached his skin in a pathetic attempt to be white. Which was what a stupid fat 10 year old kid thought as well (me) thus making it the less likely explanation, haha. Come on.

Do you guys seriously think that Michael Jackson would bleach his skin to become white? Do you seriously think that he is so stupid that by appearing white he can suddenly fool us into thinking that he actually is white and suddenly we forget that he was black in the first place? I’m sure that was not what Michael Jackson was thinking. I mean sure if it was me and I wanted to be black I can inject dark pigments into my skin then change my identity and move to America where no one knows who I am. I can easily pass of as a black person because I am nobody. No one knows who I am. They wouldn’t know that I was once Asian. But this is Michael Jackson we’re talking about. He is the king of pop. His album Thriller remains the highest selling album of all time. He was black in his Thriller music video. I’m sure he knows that everyone would notice his suddenly white skin. So before you go around sprouting bullshit about Michael, consider how lame this reasoning is. “Michael is such a freak! He is so ashamed to be black he wants to be white so desperately that he bleached his skin!” Seriously? Only a stupid 10 year old kid would go around saying shit like that. Unless you really are a 10 year old kid in which case you should just shut your mouth and wait for puberty because you don’t know shit.

Michael Jackson said himself that he has a type of skin cancer called vitiligo which causes unsightly white patches on his skin which would continuously grow in size. So instead of appearing on music videos and concerts with patchy sick looking skin which would do wonders for his image, he took his doctors advice which was to undergo light skin pigmentation. I would have done it. Beats walking around with random patches on my skin which admittedly isn’t very attractive in this superficial society of ours. Unfortunately, our society is even more judgemental and cruel than it is superficial and thus Michael Jackson was condemned forever for this. So come to think of it, Michael Jackson was poked fun at for having skin cancer. Hmmm… makes one ponder doesn’t it?

So comparing the two reasons for why his skin is so white, I would say the latter makes more sense. But of course where is the fun in that? Especially for the media. Oh no, none of that skin cancer shit! That’s boring! No, no let’s just blow this way out of proportion! Let’s accuse him of inferiority complex or a feeble racial cross-over attempt. So much more interesting!

Unfortunately that is the price for being so enormously famous. He is known across the globe as the undisputed king of pop. He is a super celebrity. Everyone knows who he is. My Chinese speaking grandmother knows who he is. Even my sister knows who he is and that’s saying something because she thinks cupboard is spelled cupod. I’ll leave that to you for interpretation.  No one can ever be as huge as he was, not even close. Subsequently, he is more heavily scrutinized by the media than anyone else. It is the price you have to pay for extreme fame. Sure one might argue that the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are also the focus of media attention but are you serious? Britney Spears doesn’t even come close to Michael Jackson’s magnitude and who the fuck is Paris Hilton? Besides, Britney Spears have done some pretty weird attention-seeking shit that begs to be printed on every celebrity magazine. Paris Hilton obviously loves the attention. But Michael Jackson had to handle a lot more bullshit than anyone else when he truly does not deserve it. People like to focus on his flaws when his attributes far outweighs them.

He broke the Guiness Book of World Records for most charities supported by a pop star. He has written inspirational songs that fight poverty, environmental pollution and racism as opposed to Britney’s songs that promote violence by asking to be hit one more time. (sarcasm, guys. Haha. Of course I’m not stupid to think that it was literal. I just had to clear that up because apparently some of my jokes are taken seriously by some people and as a result I look extremely dumb. Hmmm…) Paris Hilton probably doesn’t even know what poverty is. Michael Jackson genuinely cares for the poor, the sick and the hungry. To give an example, he once met a sick little kid who was going to die if he didn’t have a new liver. So Michael actually went and sought a liver for this kid and now the kid is still alive because of this. He supports a whopping 39 charities most of which concerns sick and poor children. His home, namely the Neverland ranch and theme park has always been opened to the public especially for unfortunate sick kids. It was just unfortunate that one kid and his mum chose to exploit Michael’s kindness. We know the drill. We know what happened. Michael released a statement in which he was saddened to be accused of something like this especially when he has always been passionate about helping children. He invited the kid with cancer over to his home out of kindness and as a result he got accused of child molestation. He promised never to put himself in such a vulnerable position like that ever again.

I know everyone has different opinions as to what really went down. But the truth of the matter is, there is a difference between being accused of being a paedophile and actually being a paedophile. Anyway, he was ACQUITTED which means NOT GUILTY. Of course being a fan of Michael Jackson I would tend to be bias and say all that molesting crap was a pile of bullshit. But think about it. I know it is possible that he did molest the boy but it is very highly unlikely. You see the thing is, everyone knew that Michael Jackson was the man who had a/several nose job(s) and bleached his skin white as a result of the media focusing on those issues so much. But not everyone knew that he avidly supported so many charities. Not everyone knew he was really passionate about helping kids. It is after all boring news. The media doesn’t care about those shenanigans. Therefore, when Michael Jackson was accused of child molestation everyone was so quick to jump on the bandwagon because of being repeatedly brainwashed by the media. Images of freaky nose jobs quickly comes to mind and overrides logical thinking. When you stop and think about it, it does not add up. Since when does plastic surgery = increased likelihood to molest young boys. In that case, many celebrities are already certified paedophiles. Now, wouldn’t it make sense to think that the fact that he has genuinely helped so many kids decreases the likelihood that he would turn around and sexually abuse one? Yes, one would think that is more logical but unfortunately, we are surrounded by idiots who accept everything they hear as a fact.  

Another thing that sickens me is the hypocrisy of it all. Before his death, everyone was so keen on making fun of him. Everyone had a happy time cracking paedophile jokes about him thinking they’re so funny and witty. Trust me, you guys are not original at all. Everyone momentarily forgot about his music, his legacy and his creative genius. But when Michael Jackson died, those same people suddenly pretend that they cared. They suddenly listened to his music. They suddenly loved him. What the fuck happened? This demonstrates how people’s opinions are easily shaped by media representation. When the media represented Michael as a freaky pedophilic white man everyone viewed him as a freaky pedophilic white man. When the media suddenly portrayed him as a legend who tragically died too soon, everyone suddenly viewed him as a legend who tragically died too soon. Fuck y’all bitches. Can’t you form your own independent views instead of blindly following the crowd?

 “Ohh everyone thinks Michael is freaky. Damn I better not say I’m a fan of MJ or I’ll get bashed and called paedo-lover or something. Yeah I agree! Man, what a freak! He likes 12-year old cock! Haha! Oh no he died. Everyone is so sad by the loss. Man better not say he loves 12 year old cock or I’ll get bashed and called an asshole or something. RIP Michael Jackson! Your music will live on forever. I love you!”

I think I ranted enough. Nobody is going to care enough to read everything anyway. But no seriously, there will never be a person like him ever again. He was the greatest entertainer that ever lived and that will hold true forever. Seriously.

Megan Fox is hot. She has it all. The face, the butt, the boobs, the legs, the flat tummy. Some people just have it all. Here are some pictures just for your viewing pleasure although it may not exactly be pleasure as you writhe and squirm in jealousy and induced self-worthlessness. Looking at her will make any average girl want to commit suicide. Twice.

I wish I could feel that amount of love for my own reflection.

Excuse me while I jump off a building now.